The thing is, I don't know how to begin... With his death? Birth? My wanting to have a child, but the difficulty in parenting once he was born? The temporary relief I felt after Yarden slipped away with little pain, and the guilt that relief brought? All the things I'm writing down seem the wrong thing to say, and I know that is my critical self. All the feelings I had and have are legitimate. The more honest I am, the more others might be able to connect with this, and with their own feelings. And that is my aim. To say, 'it's ok to feel what you are feeling. It's all ok, it's all normal.'
Today, driving back from shopping, I began to think about the dear woman who died last Thursday, the one who I loved like a mother many years ago. And thinking of her brought up tears which I blinked back, thinking how unwise it would be to drive and cry. And how sad I am that I am far from her family and cannot go there to sit with them, and grieve together. Minutes later I passed the garden center and thought about planting flowers in my garden to welcome the spring which I hope will be coming soon to Holland... It's ok to be distracted. And fine to cry too.
Grief is good. It reminds me to value the here and now. To enjoy the neon orange colors of the footballers I see in the field across from my office window, and how their shirts stand out in the darkening grey of dusk.